I went on a date with a boy the other day. It was a second date, and to be honest I was not that into him. I have a tendency to shut guys down immediately without digging in a little deeper. What can I say, I kind of know what I like? But perhaps my standards are so impossibly high that I miss out on things. I gave him a chance, pushed myself out of my comfort zone and tried to find parts of this kid I would like. It was a good date. We met up at Kroger (my favorite place), got groceries and went back to his place to cook dinner. I made food while he flailed around his kitchen finding me various utensils. Conversation flowed. His playlist was great and of course there was wine involved.
He mentioned something about never doing drugs before. I had a measly bowl’s worth of flower in my car and decided it was my duty to corrupt him a bit. We talked. We laughed, and we were having a good time. Unfortunately, he seemed to assume that since I was at his apartment talking and using mind-altering substances with him that I was down for the fuck which was so completely far from true.
I mentioned early on I just wanted to be friends initially. I did not go there to have sex with him. I went there to go on a date with him and get to know him. After I said no thank you a few times and he still did not get the hint, I had to decide if I was going to be the nice and polite version of myself as girls are so often taught to be in situations like this. Not likely. Being blunt has always worked a lot better for me. I told him I did not want to have sex with him. I also did not appreciate him tugging my clothes and arms to get me on top of him, and it was time for me to leave.
Before I left, we got into a very frank discussion about exactly what was happening. He told me this was no-strings attached sex and I would be dumb not to want it. I told him telling me that did not make me want to have sex with him anymore than I did before. I’m not a prudish girl, but I am selective. I lost my virginity at 22. It was a pretty standard affair. I was into it. He was into it, so we did it. I was friends with him for a while before we decided to go for it. He knew me, and I knew him.
I did not know this dude. That is what I wanted to do: get to know him and figure out if there could potentially be something there. Like I said, I am pretty selective with the people I choose to share myself with in that way, so you have to be willing to work for it. He was not. That is totally fine, I suppose. I just cannot do casual with anyone. I want to get in deep with every relationship I cultivate. Prove to me that you can get down into the trenches of my mind and converse. Then we can talk about sex. But what is this culture that we’ve created where someone says no to sex and it immediately turns a situation sour. I said no. We could have easily kept talking and having a good time together even though the prospect of sex was off the table for the night. We could have been friends, but he was not interested. He saw me as an object for sex: a thing you put a little emotional effort into until the legs fly open.
That is not cool, but I guess I get it. I may be a little too stubbornly dogmatic for this. I know the way I think things should be and I refuse to yield until I get it. Treat me like a person and then we can go from there.
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